I'm going to clean this site up later, I mostly just want to make sure I actually write something first. I miss journaling, and I thought "What better time than New Year's Day to start?" Hopefully I can actually stick to it..I used to use Blogger like a..I was going to say "normie", but that hasn't been a normie thing to do since like, 2006. But anyways, I decided against making a new Blogger for journaling because I don't want my shit in Google's servers. The only reason why I even still have a Google account is because I refuse to let go of my 10+ year old youtube account. Anyways..It's New Year's, like I said. I feel cautiously optimistic about 2023. It's the year of the rabbit, which is my Chinese Zodiac sign so? That's a good sign? I feel like this year, I'll finally have the freedom to do what I want to do, to really figure out what I want out of life. I know I have to have a job if I want to participate in society and not live in the woods like the fucking Unabomber but I also don't want to just feel like another cog in the capitalist machine. If I'm going to work, I want my labor to go towards making society better. I want to help people. I want to make the world a more beautiful place. I don't want to help line some rich asshole's pockets. But that's difficult to explain to people, especially my parents who I think just want me to get a nice desk job in an office somewhere. I've been thinking about maybe going to tech school and learning about electronics, I think that'd be a good skill to have and I could eventually work for myself and make my own hours. That'd be cool. (I do kinda regret going to school for 400 years just to sink a bunch of money down the drain- but I'm trying to look forward here.) I don't think I'll actually go back to school until sometime later this year, though. I really want to focus on working and saving money...So, for now, I will be working to line some rich asshole's pocket, but it won't be for my entire life. This summer I'm going to be moving to Alaska to work with Kathy, which is def what I am looking forward to most...I don't know, I just feel like I need a break from school. But, anyways, I do feel more optimistic than I ever have when it comes to New Year's...
I honestly think I'm more excited about building this site than I am about actually journaling, but that's fine. It'll motivate me to write more. Usually when I try to keep a diary I fall off of it after a month or two. I might not write every single day, but I'm going to try really hard to keep up with it. I've been trying to come up with ideas for stuff that I can do to expand this site more so it isn't just a diary but an expression of me as a whole person- if that makes sense...I love Neocities, how could I ever use regular social media when I have this much creative control over my own little corner of the internet? Tumblr is honestly the next best thing in the modern age, but I feel like it's still way too public-facing to keep a diary on...My Neocities can still be found, but I still feel like it's at least a little bit hidden...Speaking of which, I've decided I'm not going to attempt to password protect this page.. I don't know how to do it exactly and it seems like more effort than it's worth. No one from my real life is going to find this. And, if someone I don't know starts reading my entries- who cares? Honestly it seems like it'd be a pretty boring thing to do, just read some random person's diary. Well, if you are a stranger reading this: Hi! My life probably isn't any more exciting than yours, but hope you enjoy anyways. I might come back and write some more later today. For now I really should go get dressed. It's like 1 o'clock and I'm still hanging out in my pajamas. Part of that is because I'm on my period and it's seriously sucking my energy. The cramps aren't as bad thankfully, but I really do just feel like going back to bed. This is the first real period I've had since I've quit taking birth control- it feels nice to have a more regular cycle for once in my life. Hopefully I've regulated my hormones enough that it'll stick.
Ugh, I feel so off today. I'm really tired and just overall feeling kind of anxious, which sucks because I've been doing pretty good the last few days. I think I'm just going to chalk it up to being on my period and sleeping WAY too much today. I didn't get up until 1:30 which, again, is because my period makes me really sleepy. (I gotta find an alarm that doesn't just wake me up enough so that I can snooze it and go right back to sleep...) My mom started pressing me on what my plan is going to be, which I knew was going to happen once the holidays were over...And, I do have a plan for the most part, I just need to finalize a few details. I had talked to Michaela about moving into her spare room back in November, and she had told me that her current roommate hadn't decided if they were going to move out after xmas or not and she would know for sure if the room was available after the new year...I haven't heard anything, but winter break isn't over so it might not be a top priority. I know I probably could text her, but I don't want to be pushy...I'm going to ask Marshall if he'll ask for me at Chris' party- but that's if he's going to go without me...and if he'd even do it. I just want to know that much for sure, where I'm going to be living. Then, I can start looking for a job. I have enough saved up to pay rent and any other fees for the first month, then I'd need to start working...If it doesn't work out, well then I'm just going to have to stay here in Lavonia and try to find work. Which, I honestly would like to move out. I love my parents but I really do miss being on my own. It's hard to be 23 and feeling like your parents know everything about where you are and what you're doing any given day. I miss having that privacy. I love them, though, and no matter what it'd only be until May when I'm going to move up to Alaska for work. I'm so excited about that, I really feel like it's the change I need to figure things out. My plan after that is to either see if there's any more permanent work with that hotel, or come back home and use the money I saved to finish getting a degree. Either way, I eventually will get one. I don't know if I'm going fininsh my sociology degree right away, though...I do want to eventually but...I think I might want to learn a more useful skill. Honestly, I don't know why they let 18 year olds go $25k into debt for a 4 year degree when it may not even be beneficial. What the hell would I have done with a fucking sociology degree? I wanted to learn a trade originally, but I let my parents talk me into going to a 4 year which...I don't know, I don't want to say I regret it but...I don't know. I'll finish my last few credits in the next few years, but I'd really like to learn a trade and start making money. I'd especially like to work for myself at a certain point. I don't know! That's my plan as of right now...I'll sit down and talk to my parents once I know a little bit more about what my living situation is going to look like in the next few days...I am really hoping the apartment will work out. I'm going to call Marshall in the next little bit and we'll talk about it...I still wish he'd move in with me, but I'm not even going to think about bringing it up with him. He drags his feet so much, I have no idea why he'd want to live with three nasty boys over his loving partner who is clean and will cook him meals and suck his dick whenever he wants but y'know.That's fine. I'm not bitter about it. (I am a little.)
EDIT- 8:13 PM EST
I finally got the nerve up to ask Michaela about the room she has...So, her roommate is still on the fence, but I am SO hoping it works out...Hopefully I'll know by tomorrow, I'd really like to get the ball rolling!
Not much has been going on! Honestly I'm still waiting to hear on that apartment. I don't want to be pushy to Michaela because it isn't her fault so I don't want to message her but it's like. So annoying because her roommate just cannot make up her mind if she's moving out or not. She's graduated, I have no idea why you'd want to stick around your old college in a rural area where there's no future for an actual career. BUT WHATEVER. I'm just hoping it works out. I'm like, manifesting that I will be able to move out. I know if it doesn't, I could just look at apartment listings online but I'm kind of nervous to move in with strangers. I'd honestly would rather stay home than do that, I think. It just would be nice to be closer to Marshall...I want to start applying for jobs but I can't until I know where I'm going to be. I know I just said there was no work where I want to move to, but it's New York City compared to where I'm living with my parents now. There is minimum wage fast food restaurant jobs and that's it. Even then, the places around here are pickier than I really think they deserve to be. I've applied at Walgreens like 400 times and they've never hired me despite being more than qualified...I also applied at Ingles and when I finally get a call back it's from the fucking Deli. Despite the fact I have experience literally cashiering at a different location. I think they just can't get anyone to work in the Deli because it fucking sucks. I got hired there as a young and foolish 18 year old. Worked one sweaty, nasty 8 hour shift, and quit because it was just that fucking miserable. BUT ANYWAYS. Back on point, I'm just going to hope I hear from Michaela after the weekend. Like I said, I'm trying to stay positive and manifest that thing's will go my way...I know "manifesting" seems like a load of shit- and usually I'm not into that sort of "mysticism" stuff but I do think there is some truth to it. If you put positivity out into the world, you will be rewarded with positivity back. I tend to be really negative, so I'm trying to work on that...Anyways, besides that, the only thing I did today was get up with my mom at the crack of fucking dawn to get groceries. I would only do that for her, I swear to God. Boomers love going to the grocery store first thing in the morning, lol.
I talked to my parents today about my plan for the year. I'm glad it's over with, honestly. I really hate having serious conversations with them. They tend to be really negative about my ideas- I always feel like no matter what they aren't going to approve of what I do, but they came around to it eventually. I told them I'm taking this semester off and going back in the fall to finish school. My mom was against it at first, but I'm really proud of myself for holding my own and telling them "No, this is what I'm going to do." I knew that I couldn't avoid talking to them any longer, and I wanted to come to them first and let them know I was making plans so they didn't just think I was sitting around doing nothing...I still haven't heard about the apartment but god I hope it all works out. I really want to move out. Tbh, I'm still not 100% sure what I'm going to do in the fall or what degree I'm going to get..But, I've got plenty of time to work that out. I just think taking some time off is going to be good for me- if I went back now, I think I'd just flunk my classes all over again and waste even more money.
What did I tell you? I'm totally shit at keeping a journal consistantly. I'm going to try to write at least once a week from now on but...Maybe that's wishful thinking. As long as I don't totally forget, I think that's probably good enough...Anyways, now is a good time to write because shit is totally fucked right now. God is really throwing me a curve ball right after I thought I had it all figured out. Well, the apartment isn't happening but whatever. I got over that awhile ago...I'm a little salty about it, but it's really no one's fault. Zoey has every right to stay in that room if they wanted to, but I can't help but feel like all I've gotten is apartment blue balls out of the entire thing.But, that's not even the worst thing. My fucking CAR is busted. I don't totally understand the entire thing, but somethings fucked up with the electronics so now it can't drive more than like 45 mph without it being dangerous. FUCKED UP because now I can't go anywhere besides downtown. I hate it so much, I had to turn down a job offer because of it. It just fucking sucks. I feel like I'm stuck here!! Everything I had planned for this year has gotten screwed over!! Well, at least I have Alaska to look forward to. :/ I just mostly hate that it's going to make it more difficult for me to see Marshall...He was really sweet about it, though. He promised he would come see me....I'm being really negative, but this month hasn't been bad. I've been able to spend a lot of time with Marshall and my family, and we're starting to plant for the garden this spring which has been really nice. I've been trying to get out in nature more and to get a more consistant night's sleep...I still want to get a job, though. I need to, I'm getting a little low on funds. (It doesn't help that I'm horrible with money...Which is another skill I need to develop..) I'm going to go downtown tomorrow and try to see if any of the small businesses might be looking for help. The pay is going to be totally shit, but it's fine. Right now I don't have a ton of expenses..I guess that's one of the benefits of living at home. I'm going to be ready to get out of here once May rolls around though, I'm sure. Anyways, I'm going to try to make the most of things. I'm kind of hoping Dad will let me start driving the jeep. He offered, but I'm not 100% sure if he was serious or not. I know mom doesn't want me to because it's right hand drive, but I'm really not scared of it. I just want a car that I can drive. Without one, I cant go anywhere. But, anyways...Just gotta keep positive...
Hiiii well nothing much went on today. It started out kinda rough, though. The car situation is a little depressing. I can't even go to Walmart now to get toiletries by myself. My dad is adament that I can only drive my car out to town, so I basically can only go within like a 10 mile radius of my house. Since I'm living in a rural area right now, that means I have like. 5 places I can go, and that includes the fucking dollar store. Aaaaah, it sucks but I've already complained about it enough. Not a lot is happening in my life right now. Marshall was gone all weekend visiting friends so I haven't heard much from him, so this whole weekend has felt like I was back in high school- no friends, no car, no partner, no place to go, nothing to do. I don't know, I guess it has been nice to have some quiet time to myself. I've applied for some jobs, hopefully I'll get a call back from one of them. I want to start putting some money back so I can move out eventually. I want to just get an apartment on my own if I can afford it..Marshall still is SO adament he can't move in with me anytime soon. It's so annoying, he always blames his parents for it because they're ultra religious and think if a male and a female stand within 10 feet of each other it's a sin. And like- I do believe him that they wouldn't be in to the idea, but I also keep telling him that he's fucking 22 years old and he doesn't need his parent's approval. I don't know, I think he just is scared of the committment ultimatley. I don't know why I keep attracting virgins with weird overbaring parents, but that has been the deal with my last 3 partners. I'm complaining about him, but I really do love Marshall, he just always always drags his feet when it comes to taking big steps in relationships. (He doesn't want to admit that, though.) I do think it can be a good thing, because I tend to wanna rush into them, so I think we kinda force each other to go at a healthy pace...I dunno, I know he'll come around eventually. I feel like I complain a lot here, but I think that's healthy. I dunno, I don't want to be annoying about my problems all the time to people, so this just serves as a good place for me to vent out my frustrations about my life. I try to stay positive...At least, moreso than I used to. I'm thankful for a lot in my life, and I have a great family and partner who loves me and cares about me and as much as I may complain about them here I love them and am grateful for what I have. ANYWAYS. Still fucking sucks shit about my car tho.
Ok it's teeeechnically February 1st right now but barely so I'm gonna still count this as January...Well, what else is new? I'm depressed still! Still feeling really trapped up here. I missed Marshall a lot more than I thought I would, he was so busy being out with friends the whole weekend. I honestly got a little jealous that he was out having so much fun without me. I don't know. I love him, but things have felt a little different the last few weeks, almost as if we've drifted apart a bit. I'm sure it's nothing, It's probably all in my head. I've been going to crazy up here. He's going to come over this weekend, and he's offered to let me come stay with him for the week which I honestly think would be good for both my mental health and our relationship as a whole. I'm afraid I take him for granted sometimes, he's a really sweet guy and he does care about me so much. It's really lovely to have someone like that in your life, that loves you no matter how fucked up you are...Anyways, tomorrow I'm going to try and see if the BBQ place near me is still hiring. It's really cool, but they posted that they were hiring on FB a few weeks ago so..I really hope they haven't filled the position yet. I hope my first post of February can be positive, lol. Other than that..I'm still growing my hair out. My hair actually does grow pretty fast which I'm happy about- (I'm lucky, I have really healthy hair)- but it's still. Slow. It's in that point where if it had just 1 more inch it'd be a bob, but it's not and it kinda looks fucking goofy lol. But it's cool- maybe it's a good thing I'm stuck at home, so I can hide out while my hair's growing. I can't wait to have it long again, it's been over 2 years and I'm missing it. Although I know in a year from now I'll probably be wanting to lop all my hair off again. Ok..I should probably go to sleep. I was just laying up feeling sorry for myself and I kinda wanted to vent a little before I tried to go back to sleep...Never trust how you feel about your life after 9PM.
